Grief On The Autistic Spectrum

The first time human grief really struck was when my grandad died and it was mind numbing.I would spend days in a complete trance will the world idly going about it busy frantic existence.See then I wasn’t diagnosed and I look back and can see I had total sensory overload.Threw in the complexity of family politics and you’ve hit the proverbial nail on the head. I’ve a very small family on my mothers side and on my other side well that really doesn’t warrant my time talking about .

I would describe grief as an autistic as swimming in glue with a sense of practicality.And I’ve just hit my third gluey patch of grief in as many years And they’re right time is a healer but you’re left with a hole in your life that you tissue paper over.

And I have thought long and hard on this and I’m going to seek counselling, I’ve got other issues cracking off with regards to not only my cousin dying recently but my situation with my mother has reared it’s head again.

Mental health is a ticking time bomb with care in the community that needs to be addressed .To often it is family and friends that are left to deal with the fall out pulling further on resources of an already stretched NHS.

But I have hope for a world without hope is not the correct world.

I refuse to be a kangaroo and bounce around the place aimlessly, what I do has to have real meaning and context.I have put my foot down with regards to my mother situation and time will tell if that ever works out .I have a life to lead and learn about and I fully intend to do that.

Bourton On The Water

The Cotswolds is a honeycomb coloured with all the beautiful limestone cottages and buildings just glowing warmly whatever the weather and I am very firm believer of not just visiting places when it is sunny and warm but also when it is cold or frosty etc. I do believe that weather is no barrier to getting out and about you just have to have the right clothing and footwear and you're good to go. Bourton on the water is a beautiful village  nestled in the gentle rolling hills that is located within a valley. Now it is known as the Venice of the Cotswolds and it is not hard to see why as littles bridges cross the gentle flowing River Windrush. I find it very relaxing in the Cotswolds it one of those places you can just let your troubles float away in the beautiful scenery.

In January Bourton is sleepy and not chock full of tourists and there is carparks doted about the place there is plenty to see in this quaint village some of which is open later in the season. You don't have to spend a fortune in bourbon on the water to have a go time its a place where you can just relax rest and unwind.


Come for a few days stay or just come for the day you will not be disappointed and you'll find that you will be spoilt for choice in accommodation , food and attractions to see in and around Bourton on the water.Coming in quiet times really does make the difference as you're not having to fight your way through hoards of tourists and travel is for all year round anyway.You will be charmed by the lovely rambling nature of the Cotswolds and it is a beautiful place that you will need to come back to time after time.


Now there is plenty to see in Bourton On The Water

1.Model village it is small and quaint and takes no times at all to go round and it is really cheap to visit , there at some additional charges to pay if you want to see some moanture working models we didn't bother on this occasion.







2. Dragonfly Maze again we didn't do this but I have heard that it fun to do.


3.Birdland  Now this is something we will will go to I always like with places to have something to come back to and not neccasirly hit everything in one go it keeps the mystery and adventure alive in me.


4. The Motor Museum is one agin we will come back and visit it wasn't open when we popped by for the day and it looks right up my street , and I love supporting village communities it is inspiring to give something back in life.

All She Loved

All she loved was to travel

All she loved was the history above and below 

All she loved was not be to judged

All she loved was to be free 

All she loved was to be spoken to 

All she loved was to be me 

Living Life On The Spectrum

Living life on the Spectrum you might think ooh that's the  Spectrum computer ooh how retro and you'd be right in one sense as I truly loved my Spectrum 48 k when i was younger , I was indeed that computer nerd that loved nothing better than playing games and programming my Spectrum.

What I am really talking about is living with ASD ( or Autism ) I fit the criteria for Aspergers , did you watch Celebrity Get me Out Of Here and saw Ann Hegerty from the Chase and she said she has Aspergers then that is why I have. I am not on the Chase though I do have a immense knowledge of stuff and will gladly rattle off facts to my hearts content.


You see all the years and years I had depression and anxiety stem for the fact I had diagnosed Autism and you might think that Autism is only seen in boys /men it is not it is also seen in girls/ladies.Why you may ask are girls and ladies not diagnosed as much and the reason for this is masking


I’m constantly on the run not literally on the run but I’m hitting the ground running and adapting to my diagnosis of Autism.Being Autistic doesn’t change anything for me but it does allow me to be me.As I keep saying I’m in two worlds but one world.I can instantly see that things can be done another way saying both time and energy.

In order to respect I’m going to have to respect it’s a transition time having only had an autism diagnosis in late September.It really is like being hit by all the senses at once and all the uniqueness that made you make sense.I am pretty much black and white and if you joke it might take me a while.As long as you’re funnier than Michael Mcintyre then we will get along fine.

It took me a year to actually watch the Greatest Showmen and I’m still not taken by it .Yet people love the razzle dazzle .

Last weekend was very trying with a constant stream of problems leaving me thinking was I on a episode of Jeremy Kyle .

Masking

Girls and ladies will mask to blend in with those around and within society , and this is why of part of the reason I was forever told to smile , I do smile I really can but social convention dicatestes that to smile means we are happy and all is ok within the world and our world. It is also why I get you don’t seem autistic or I never knew.I don’t wear a label or T shirt announcing I’ve Autism!

Feelings 

Complicated one this as I don’t feel as others feel but everything almost everything is amplified.I am and other people with Autism are empathetic and our sense of justice is second to none - makes monopoly playing a bit of a nightmare !

Socialising 

Socialising for the most part feels me with fear because it’s people noise lights etc. How I can be can vary it’s like your toaster will it brown your bread the same way ~ unlikely . I get sad at times when I’m not asked to social things but it’s the way of the world.I have always slipped into the cracks of social exclusion.

I’m me still me !

I spend my whole life thinking I was broken but I’m not I’m whole as an autistic person.

5 Things Life Has Taught Me

As I was out walking one day I overheard a mother stressing about her child getting muddy , they were dressed appropriately and it was a damp squidgy day as only a January can be And i thought thought it is just a bit of mud don't stress there is more to life than a little mud.Life is captured in moments and they are beautiful snap shots in our lives.So a spot of mud in your day isn't really going to end the world and the child concerned was not exactly covered head to toe.I do believe in positive reienforecemnt it's ok to get dirty its ok to explore it's OK to be a child ! mud is mud and it is the adventure of life that is the all encompassing important rule in life.And who doesn’t love splashing in water !!

1. Age really honestly is just a number and it’s a journey of learning and reflection for if we didn’t do this we wouldn’t be human.We learn as we get older and getting older is a privilege and each day I try to enrich my own life and that of other people.Age has taught me to be happy in my own skin especially now .

2 If you’re in a mood it’s really imperative not to fester because of rule 1 it’s the opposite of fight club it’s a calmness. It is not twee and I’m not instructing you to do yoga or eat kale.Listen to your favourite songs / music walk outside and this includes even if it’s raining or snowing.Places matter they makes us feel alive and are an an escape when we are feeling stressed.

3.Be part of your own art masterpiece by going outside I can’t stress enough the importance of going outside.You not only connect with people but you can also commune with nature.And again I refer back to rule 1 and as ever rules are to be broken and I’m never one to do anything in order .

4 Don’t feel guilty for bringing yourself joy , people can be a judgey bunch of so and so by design- call it a design flaw.

5 A problem shared is a problem halved is so very true and we must never stop sharing .